Between Fairytales and Happy Endings

You guys, this song has me in tears. I am so serious right now. I don't even know who Derpy is, because I haven't reached that point in the series, but I felt the words of this song speak to me so strongly that I couldn't even take it. This is exactly the way I feel all the time.

I used to be the one
stuck on the sidelines-
but lately things have started to change
 

I would've never thought
that being the way I am
could make everything end up this way
 

This is never what I would have expected

Theres nothing wrong but they still want me corrected
 

Why cant you just let me do what I do

I'm not hurting anyone so why are you
(why are you?)

I've always been the one no one noticed. I never got invited to parties or to go out with groups of friends. Growing up (and even now), I spent almost all of my time alone, my only friends my books or my writing. No one wanted anything to do with me, for reasons I still don't understand.

Then something changed. I met the love of my life-- we'll call him Zane for the sake of his privacy-- and he has affected me in so many ways. Suddenly I don't want to be alone in front of my computer anymore. I don't want to lay down at night by myself with nothing to do but stare up at the ceiling. I have a reason for being. I have this amazing person in my life who moves me to create beautiful things and want to be better than I ever was. He makes me want to improve myself.

But this offends people. My ultra-religious family has been against it from the beginning. They've been vocal about how their faith clashes with the way I live my life. Nevermind that I'm so much happier with Zane than I've ever been in my life. I'm committing an awful sin, they tell me, and I need to stop. There's nothing wrong, but they still want me corrected. Why can't you just let me do what I do? I'm not hurting anyone, so why are you?

Then this song goes on:

I just don't know what went wrong

They don't love me any more so, 'so long'

Now I'm left out, on my own

Wish there was somewhere for me to call home
 

Is it not enough that I'm in the background?

You wanna drop me because of how my voice sounds?

This part in particular made me cry. It feels like they don't love me anymore. So often, I look back on the family I left behind, the family I thought was so close to me. Why am I so different now that I'm happy? The one member of my family that I was closest to deleted me from Facebook and will not add me again, and at one point had me blocked from all contact. When I do call and get through, I'm told that I'm being deceived and whatnot. Why can't they just love me for me?

Since then I've been moving from place to place, trying to get closer to Zane, who lives in another state, and also trying to find a place that feels like home. Now I'm left out, on my own. Wish there was somewhere for me to call home. I never really feel like I belong anywhere, and the one place where I know I would be happy, where there is someone who loves me unconditionally, I can't get to because I can't afford it.

This is my life in a nutshell. This is why this song affected me so strongly. I feel so alone all the time. Everything I try to do goes wrong, everything I attempt seems to make the people around me angry (though I have no idea why) and the majority of my family has cast me off. I have very few people in this world. Those I thought I could count on have shown their true colors. It wasn't enough that I loved them more than I can even say, it wasn't enough that I did everything to try and make them proud. This one thing- this one thing- is too much for them to handle.

Well I apologize if I ever made you sad,
but I will not be sorry for being who I am.

 I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to wish to be loved. I don't want to spend all my time in the silence, wanting so desperately to be able to hold the person I care about most in the world. To hear his voice and see his face. If it makes people unhappy that I've chosen to love someone that much, they can suck an egg.

I will close with the chorus, which says how I feel far better than I could ever express in even a thousand pages of blog space:

How could you

Try and change who i've always been

What did I wrong?

I never wanted any of this

I'm sorry if I ever offended any of you
but I am who am,
there's not much more that I can do
 

A wise man once said that friendship was magic
the way I see it, it's been nothing but tragic

I tried my best and it wasn't quite there
a fairy tale but no happy ending for this mare?

:(

Love you, Zane.